sister redford.
you know i didn't really think i was going to be referred to that name until i was much much older than i am now.
sister redford was my mom. i was just kenzie.
you know, when the age change for missionaries happened back in high school i thought i was going to go on a mission. i went to a stake youth conference and was "called" to chili on a pretend 3 day mission.
before that day i didn't want to serve a mission. i remember telling my mom i didn't even want to go to youth conference that year because i knew i didn't want to be a missionary. but in all reality it was because i thought i couldn't be a missionary.
to me, a missionary was confident. bold. fearless. and beyond smart. i never thought i could be a missionary because i kept telling myself that my testimony wasn't strong enough. that i didn't know the scriptures enough. that i hadn't bore my testimony enough times. that i was too dumb to be a servant of God.
however, i went to that pretend mission to chili.
i realized that i could learn to be confident. i could learn to be bold. i could study the scriptures, become more familiar with them. i could bear my testimony no matter how simple or small it was.
the things i knew to be true didn't change based on how many times i had bore my testimony before.
i got help at that conference. i learned that preach my gospel is a VERY useful tool when it comes to missionary work and that there is so much you can learn by studying it. even if you aren't a missionary. i learned that i could be a teacher if i read that book and used it's resources to help me. i learned that i didn't need to know everything but i could learn more and more each day through studying the scriptures.
and i learned that i could do anything as long as i asked God to help me.
when i came back from that conference i was on a spiritual high. i thought i wanted to go so bad and i was so confident that it was going to happen. but as i continued going to school i let that thought drift away and started focusing on other things like college, boys, a career.
i forgot about going on a mission and continued dating. my first year of college i went on a few dates with some returned missionaries and all of a sudden i started praying about a mission again.
most of my friends were all leaving on their missions and i had farewells every single week. everyone asked me if i served/planned on serving. i always told them i didn't know. i prayed all the time about it. and honestly, i couldn't have felt more on the fence about it.
i could've left to go on a mission, and loved it. i could've stayed home and focused on school and church callings and other things, and loved it. either way it was a win for me! so i told my friends, im just going to keep doing what im doing and if God wants me to go, he'll let me know.
and then again, life moved on and i totally forgot about going.
i ended up moving down to provo last august, just going to school at uvu.
i lived in byu housing
best of both worlds right?
i could have religion in my life but not be swamped by it because i wasn't going to a private, religious school. i thought i was getting off the hook by not going to byu.
oh but i was wrong.
the word "mission" lingered in the hallways, whispered in the corridors, and followed me everywhere i would go.
i was SO surprised when i got to uvu and noticed just how many times i heard somebody talk about their missions every day. because you know, i thought byu was the " mormon school. "
i had drilled into my head somehow that missions were scary again. that i didn't want to go on one anymore. that i had missed my chance.
i prayed on my way to school everyday. i would always ask God if i should go on a mission. i would literally wait not even 2 seconds, and id feel relieved and i would say "OH GOOD. He said nothing. that means no."
other times id pray and ask sincerely if He would show me what it is He wanted me to do with my life. i told Him i would do whatever He asked of me.
- EXCEPT a mission -
a mission was scary! you have to leave behind everything and go to a place you've never been, teaching people you've never met, eating weird foods, having no smart phones, no Instagram, no texting your friends, and no cute clothes! (or so i thought)
everybody at church talked about their missions and i must admit i would get so annoyed. id roll my eyes and be all jealous of the sisters who came back, talking about their missions, and id be jealous of their testimonies, their teaching abilities, and confidence they had with sharing the gospel.
i wanted to have that.
but i was TOO STUBBORN to let go of the control i had in my life to lay down everything and go on one.
lots of returned missionaries i dated asked if i served again down there. i would say no, that i feel like i missed my chance.
because i mean, i finally had school AND a career working for me. my life was GOOD.
but i was always disappointed when i said that.
i always wondered if my life would be different if i served.
then i forgot about going AGAIN.
(however it was always in the back of my mind)
but one day, i overheard my roommate/best friend tell her mom that she felt like she wanted to go on a mission.
and i internally freaked out.
WHAT WAS I GOING TO DO WITHOUT HER. WHERE WOULD I LIVE WITHOUT HER. I DIDN'T WANT A NEW ROOMMATE. I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY GOODBYE.
then i thought oh wait. now i can apply to be an ambassador for uvu! (something ive always wanted to do) and i could live in the resident hall with them while she's gone!
and then the clearest question came to my mind.
"what if you went on a mission too."
i instantly rejected that thought and was like ew no you're crazy. you don't want to do that. that's SCARY. you have your whole life in front of you! you can't put a hold on all of that right now!
i was a wreck that entire weekend. i had so many emotions. i knelt down, decided to let go of every single excuse i had for not going, and i prayed. i prayed to know whether or not i should go on a mission. i sat there after i was done, and just let any thoughts come into my mind, i didn't cut Him off like i had done before.
i felt like my answer was a yes but i was still scared and i questioned myself. and i still questioned God.
i was like, "wait, heavenly father this is a joke right? you meant to say no. you're talking to the wrong person huh? that yes was meant for another kenzie, not me. you're just joking with me"
i paced around my room for days. not knowing whether to follow the prompting or not. i still had my agency! i could still decide not to go even though i got an answer. i was worried of everything i would be missing when i would be gone, the school id have to put on hold, the opportunities here in utah id be missing, the friends id leave behind, the social media, the fact that i would be TWENTY YEARS OLD AND OLDER THAN MOST OF THE ELDERS AND SISTERS GOING OUT WITH ME. the fact that most of my friends from high school, that ive been waiting for for 2 years, would get home an entire year before me. all of these concerns were racing through my head.
but then i turned on some random efy/church music as i was getting ready and i kid you not, EVERY. SINGLE. SONG. had some sort of answer.
one was like "you know what's right in your heart."
another was "you know what to do, just follow the truth"
and one was without a doubt THE answer i was looking for.
happily ever after by jenny philips came on.
" it's your time, it's your destiny to shine, so arise and be true to the royal that's inside of you.
don't settle for the story that, the world would have you write, you were born to reach eternal life. "
and the lyrics in that song totally connected with how i felt about going on a mission and I started tearing up because i knew it was my time. and the spirit hit me so strong, and i could not shake that feeling.
i was still terrified. but i knew that if i put my trust in God, that He wouldn't lead me astray. i knew that, if anything, He would make my life SO much better than i would've ever made it by myself.
i decided to exercise my faith and to go with it. little did i know itd be quite the process. but with every step i took towards getting closer to my goal, going on a mission felt better and better. and i no longer was going because i felt like God commanded me to, i was going because i wanted to.
in d&c 4:3 which states, "therefore, if you have desires to serve God, he are called to the work." (even if it takes a little nudging)
it's CRAZY to look back within the last three years of my life and seeing how God was preparing me for this all along.
however i believe that i couldn't have gone on a mission before now.
i needed to go through what i went through within the last few years to get me to where i am today. i don't think i would've gone on a mission if i didn't move out and go to provo by myself. if i didn't meet my roommate. if i didn't have my provo ysa ward to show me how it's done. if i didn't have my bishopric down there to be with me every step of the way.
i am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and i can't wait to find out why i was called to serve in jacksonville florida. i know God has a plan for me and He knows me better than i know myself. He knows what i need at what time i need it. and apparently my mission story starts now.
ill try to keep you updated on the journey!!
i know that God loves you. and He's aware of you too, trust Him. you won't be sorry. every path that points to God will bring you more joy than you could ever dream of.
i say these things in the name of jesus christ, amen.
xoxo // sister redford
- post written by Sister Redford and put together by her sister Jensyn
Sister Redford's instagram and blog will have updates and mission stories, she'd love if you'd follow along as her sister and mom run her accounts :) thank you for reading! she is enjoying her mission in Jacksonville, Florida and had a pretty good time in the MTC in Provo, Utah.
more stories to come! -
